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September 13th, 2009
09:28 am
this past week has really changed things, for the better and the worst.
i just need some consistency and i'd be goooood.
whatever.
oh, and my birthday is in 9 days! <3
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August 30th, 2009
05:21 pm - first week of schoool,
was so much more than what i expected. i adored it. i adore cypress. i adore the people. i really enjoy this school. my classes are alright, i'm getting to know people. atleast trying too. it's a little difficult for me. but i met quite a few people at friday's game. and got closer with some others. i'm seeing plenty of good looking guys. i dont know. i'm just so excited for what this year has too come. yayayayayay<3
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July 29th, 2009
05:41 pm
i spent the other day with odin, dante & ivan.
wow, what a day.
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July 24th, 2009
01:16 am - i haven't writtten allll summer.
life is amazing.
i just cant get enough of this summer.
one of the best ones yet.
even though ive had so many ups and downs,
i'm enjoying it.
i'm kinda doing this long distance thing with john, <3
but suprising i love it.
he's just the most amazing boy, he treats me so well.
<3
i can't believe i might be moving.
yes, the economy here sucks, so bad.
but i can't imagine leaving the people i have here.
i just don't know what i'm going to if i have to leave...
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June 23rd, 2009
12:53 pm - um, i haven't wrote in ages.
summer so faaaaaar; the first off me heather sam & eddie all went to busch gardens & i spent three days at sam's house. which was a fucking blast.
then me and allison when on the boat to fantasy island, which was fun, and it brought us close.
then i went to jay's and we went to the beach & ended up staying the night at logan's, with john. which was great. buuuut, me & jay had to be in just boxers, a shirt & b ball shorts. which was sooooo uncomfortable. ha, but it was worth it.
and then friday, i went to edison to casey. then me and allison went to belltower, and chillled with everyoneeee.
then, me & allison went cayo costa. omfg. that was the most amazing place ever, it's so god damn beautiful. the water was so clear, and the sunset was outstanding, i loved the two days we stayed there. i got so amazingly tan, and we got to go on the wave runner, me driving<3 it was just amazing.
then i spent the night at her house, and me went to coconut with john, logan, jon, and ofcoarse allison. and later on we ran into conner. gosh, yeasterday was a blast. i had really missed conner. and just being with those boys made my day.
um, and me and corey are still fighting, non-stop. like i was flirting yeasterday, alot. since i am single and me and corey made this whole agreeemenr. and then, the first time i really go out and flirt a whollllllle lot, what does corey do? flip a fucking shit. like we were fighting at coco, text wise. and e called me "dumb as shit" and like i was wanting to cry, and once everyone got there i got happy. and after i left corey asked me what i had done with the boys, and i said flirt and he flipped. and said he was planning to ask me out next time he saw me, and i had ruined it. but he told me the other day he wanted to be friends for a while. and not even flirt, with eachother. yeah, so it's fucking bullshit. i don't know why i can't let go. most of the time, i really wish i could. i'd probally be alot happier. but can't. he's meant so much to me that i can't let go. ugh, whatever.
and recently, i''ve gotten reallly close with this other kid. he makes me reallly happy. and he's someone i'd least inspect, but i'm so happy i have gotten close with him. even though, he's moving in about a week. =( well, i pinky promise you we'll have a rememberal time at the big house.
oh, about the big house, i can't waiiiiiit. it'll be me, jay, john & logan there for five days.<3
friday-tuesday. god, i can't wait, at alllll. <3
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June 1st, 2009
07:15 pm
corey martin, is everything everyone has ever told me he'd be.
he's just such a lying, cheating hypocrite, that i can't even stand it, anymore.
he's so fulll of himself, and can't even imagine how he makes me feeel.
he thinks he can do everything he doesn't want me to do.
and he has the right to get mad, but i don't.
the thing is, he wants to kiss amanda, the girl he cheated on me with.
yes, we are on a break, but i still feel it's wrong.
and he knows, even though he doesn't admit it, but he'd be done with me if the tables were turned.
he's just so stubborn, and yeah, i am tooo.
but he just doesn't see the wrong in what he's doing.
and like i tell him "if you kiss her, you'll be kissing me gooodbye."
and he says its not fair, and that we're not dating. and that we shouldn't have rescictions.
and that he doesn't wanna kiss her, but if it happens, he doesn't wanna feel bad.
but he knows if he does kiss her, he'll lose me.
and he says kissing her isn't worth loosing me, BUT he still won't promise me he won't kiss her.
god, i'm so fucking done with him, but i can't let go. all he does is hurt me. but i can't let go. i even have other boys, but i just can't fucking let go. i hate it. i know i need to let go, but cant. D:
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May 18th, 2009
09:14 pm
this past weekend was one of the best i've had in quite some time.
talking to odin while he was shit faced made my weekend. :D
and having heather around and drivig us every where with her country accsent,
yeah. that reallly made my weekend. <3
oh, and taking jay's black virginity. =)
& i can't wait 'til the last day of school!
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May 10th, 2009
05:08 pm - grad night
was nothing like i imagined. i'm usually the crazy one of the group. but i was just so down, i couldn't allow myself to have any fun. stupid assss corey. he even made me cry. whatevaaaaa' the bus ride there was my favorite, me and jay sat together with odin and steven in front of us. and bryan torrres behind us. and tyler and trent diagonallly ahead of us.
but i had the dripppy seat. :( but while it was me and jay, we borrow lauren's ipod. and was singing to the whole bus. like my dick and colt 45, and crazy bitch. l0l. it was funnnnnny.but cause of my dripppy seat i moved up next to odin. and he took a nap in my nap. while i talked with trent and tyler. once odin got up jay & trent switched seats, and bryan sat in my drippppy seat. and i turned around and we all talked.
OMG, trent was sssssooooo annnoying though, he ws playing score. but with anything yelllow he saw, l0l. and he'd never beleive me when i saw somethig yelllow. l0l. it was fun.
and the ride home was fuuuuun, me and jay sat in front of micheal and steven.
micheal was singing to us, ha. it was cute.
and me and jay borrrowed stevens ipod ad sung to the bus again.
and me and jaywee trying to sleep, and we came up with the wierdest ways, l0l.
oh, and we snuck micheal up to use as our pilllow, and mrs. fordiani saw us and fliped shit. :/
but whatever, it was allll gooood.
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May 6th, 2009
08:28 am
well, last night's meeeet was alright.
i got first in my heat, so i looked good. ;)
and our four by four team got third. =)
but uh, corey not going really pissed me offff.
it feels like he doesn't care about me nor want to be with me.
well, i'll see. whatevaaaaa'.
the more and more shit he does to me.
the more and more the single life looks appealing. :/
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May 4th, 2009
09:55 pm
i'm so fucking nervous about tomarrow's meeeeet.
like fer realz.
and i'll probally be on my period for the eighth grade trip.
and i'm pissssssed.
oh, nd i haven't talked to corey since before i left for the bus stop.
and it's annnnoying me. >:/
whaaaaaateva'.
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May 1st, 2009
11:23 pm
so corey did cheat on me, i dumped him.
and cried allllll day at schoool.
then, i talked to him allll afternooon.
and i decided on a break.
then i talked to him for the rest of the night.
and after alll the begging he did,
i gave in. and i'm still with him.
which is good and bad.
like i love him and want to be with him.
but i'm so scared he'll hurt me again. :/
oh, but i had my closure tonight, i beat the shit out of amanda.
the litttle slut corey kisssed, and cheated on me with.
ha, it was the funnniest thing. <3
so i had a lovely night. =)
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April 30th, 2009
09:37 pm
so corey is grounded until the end of may.
jusssst greeeat.
oh, ad bailee told me he cheated on me.
and ______ told me she over eard ashkee and crystal talking about how corey wats to dump me.
and ashlee kind of told corey the exact oppposite thing about how long i'm willing to wait for him.
i don't know if that was intentional or not.
yeah, and i ca't tal to corey.
but i did this morning, and he said he didn't.
but i don't know what to believe.
yeah, so i'm fucking conffffused.
oh, and my dad is lways with another girl.
ths morning i wake up to him in bed with some chick.
yeah, after he's out all night.
on his fucking night.
yeah, that pisses me offf.
and jay canceled our plans for lauren.
yeah, that pisses meoff a bit.
but whatever. i'll just be stuck with my parents all weekend.
and i'm getttting my huuuuur done saturday<3
yeah, whatta crappy weeek, that's fer suuuure.
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April 23rd, 2009
08:36 pm - i havent written in a whillllllle.
i made track finals.
my four by four team, fer sure did.
and i think i might of for my four hundred<3
god, last night i had such a great late night talk on the phone with casey and odin. ;)
and corey's pissing me off once again, jussssssst lovely.
oh, and tomarrow should be interesting.
me and lauren are stayig thenit at jay's, together.
this shall be interesting. :/
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April 14th, 2009
12:22 am
today with corey was lovely.
we didnt do anything real special.
but i surely enjoyed myself.
expesially laying under our tree on the gulf coarse.
i love it there, <3
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April 12th, 2009
05:26 pm
easter was guuuuuuud.
i was the easter bunnnnny.
i got tah hide the eggz and jank.
and i got tons of hair shit.
+ a cute all recycled shirt.
+ caaaaandy.<3
yum.
but most of all, i can't wait to get home.
which should be in less than three hours.
hopefullly.
but yeah, i wont be getting a phone tomarrow cause my dad was being a prick.
and got mad and locked myself in this room instead of freaking out on him.
so he said no phone for a few days.
but i can't wait to see corey tomarrow.
but i dont see how this will work, with out me having a phone.
whatevaaaaaa' though.
i just need to work shit out tonnight.
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April 11th, 2009
07:05 pm
one day 'til i get home.
one day 'til i hopefully get my hair done.
& one day 'til i hopefully get a new phone.
two days 'til i see corey.
three days 'til i see whoever else at coco<3
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April 9th, 2009
04:21 pm
spring break '09, sucks.
horribly.
i can't fucking stand it here.
don't get me wrong.
it's nice here.
just i miss core & jay, more than anything.
i'm going nutz without them.
if i had a phone, i'd be okay.
but i don't.
i have no contact with the 239.
none, and i hate it.
i just wanna cry.
but i won't.
i have been so much lately.
i've lost my strong, no crying personality.
i hate this.
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04:07 pm - this is just to get my mind flowin'.
um, i've always liked the name marie. it is my middle name. a very very popular middle name, at that. and i've always hated alexandria. it's long. it's five fucking sylabees. i hate it. plus it sounds so fancy and beautiful. and i don't feel as if i need a name like that. i've always wanted a short and to the point name. i guess that's why i like to be called alex. it's short, four letters. two sylabees. and to the point. the one thing i don't like is, that it's a more commonly a boy's name. not that, that bothers me. i'm very much a tom boy myself. well less and less as time passes. but i still am. just i've always liked marie. always wanted to get it switched to marie alexandria bowman. even though it sounds so much better alexandria marie bowman, my parents picked a wonderful name. perfect flow. it's lovely. just i love the name marie. it might have something to do with how much an uncommon first name it is. plus when i was younger i had a bestfriend named marie. i rally looked up to her. just i dont know. i like the name marie, and if i were to ever change my first name, it would be to that.
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April 2nd, 2009
04:48 pm
i was crying all of third period. and like crying in casey's arms. god i hate all this bull shit. i seriously had the worst night, last night. and then didn't go to school today 'cause i stayed home "sick", even though i do have a sore throat. but i went tah the beach today<3 i feel asleep tanning, and burned my whole backside. like my butt is totallly burnt. ugh. whatever, i dont have a phone, so i'm serssing everything. i think my dad is giving me his peice of shit one. oh joy. i hate it, it flips up. normal number shit, and has a fucking attenne! >:/ i hate it, so much. oh and it's brown and silver. EW! and ugh, i hate it. i hate everything. i just wanna cry, constantly. well, i'm probally going to school tomarrow. and ill talk to jay about going home with her, hopefully i can...
:/
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March 31st, 2009
06:57 pm
yeasterday, was great. up until my dad goes physco, once againnnn.
yeah, he really wrecks me, i was up all nigth dealing with his "i'm gunna kill myself" threats.
i was crying and woke up and went to school today, with puffy eyes. :/
but today was guuuuud. =)
i talked to ashlee wallace, and had a real heart to heart<3
i finished hit and run, and started another book.
i didn't have to buy a wristband and didn't get caught.
we won in untimate frissbe, even know i didnt do anything.
i was just talking with sid, gray & bryan. i love those three kiddoz.
and, then i found out that jay and i got into CYPR3$$!
i'm so happy and excited for next year<3
me, jay, casey, odin, carlee, jordan, ruby, and others all got in.
i just wish corey was going to cypress, but whatever.
it'll deal, i wish i could talk to him, though.
he has his phone taken away, once again.
but only 'til sunday.
but it blows, 'cause tomarrow, is our three month<3333
& monday, is his birthday, and idk if his mom will let me come over, so i wanna go this weekend...
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March 29th, 2009
11:04 pm - my weekend was fantastic<3
thursday, got picked up by jay's mom, went to eat with her gma and brother. then went to edison, where i had corey meet us<3 went home and spent the night. i put a pink streak in my hair<3
friday; woke up, went home and babysat alll day with jaylynnne. went to bellltower with corey<3
saturday, went out on the boat, with the family. my aunt came with and brought the jetski, we went tubing. and we were out on like 5ft swells jumping on the jetski getting like 5-6ft of air. it was amazing. oh, and i got completly burnt tah a crisp.
sunday; went to coconut with corey baby<3 it was an amazing just us too walking about. he bought me a book<3 yay! and we saw the beggining of the knowing. cause all movies started so late, :( it was sooooo good from what i saw, i reallly wanna watch it friday<3
i can't wait 'til spriiiiing break<3<3<3<3<3
btw, i'm soooo in love with corey, it's insane. like these almost three months have gone by sooo fast. i really want this to last, i've been waiting for a relationship like this, and now i got the perfect one<3 and even though he pisses me off and i flip shit and punch and kick him and what not i still love him, and he still loves me<3 ;) i ain't giving up on this relationship for nothing.
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March 23rd, 2009
08:47 pm
i am so confused, you scared me so much. :/
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March 22nd, 2009
07:48 pm
friday, i got another referal for helping bautisia cheat. then went to BT, which was pretty boring. but i got to spend time with chelsea & selinnnn, which was lovely<3 and i got to see heather for the first time in about a year, damn i missed her<3
saturday, me and jay cleaned the whole pool area, and cleaned the pool. jammed and tanned. l0l. then ivan came over for an hour that night. we talk about all his problems.
and, today, omg i had such a wonderful time. corey seriously makes me soooo happpy. i dont know what he does, but all his sweet words and gentle touch and sillly things he says, gotz me falling in looove. <3
oh, and btw,
i can't wait 'til spring fucking break! <3
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March 19th, 2009
11:05 pm - $$$
monday-FCAT was easy. got s refearl for texting in PE.
tuesday-track practice was guuuuuud.
wensday-dad's house wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.
today- was alright. i haven't talk to corey all day, he;s grounded for a weeek, so i've heard. and the funniest thing ever happened; denae came up and punched me in the hallz. ha, that was some funnny shit, i wish she woulda done it outta schoool. ;) but yeah, today was alright. i died in ultimate frissbee, l0l.
tomarrow, jaylynne is coming home with me from school. we're going to belltower. mike will be there, & hopefully corey too? eh, idk. :( oh, and i'm buying a new bathing suit, yay!
saturday- jaylynne's at my house, we're babysitting. ivan will probally come chill with us. =)
sunday- BEACH! hopefully mike and corey can come. but idk since stupid corey got grounded. >:/
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March 16th, 2009
12:23 am
corey martin in one weekend, i completly re-fell in love with you, if that's possible. like that past two weeks of not talking much, and no seeing eachother. really took a tole on us. and like all this weekend you've been making me so happy. when you promised you'd be a better boyfriend, you really meant it. and your doing a wonderful job at keeping it. <3 baby, i'm reallly so in love with you, =)
soooooooo,
friday; went to belltower with jay, mike & corey<3 we walked around. and me and corey read dora books in barnes and noble. and talked about how we're dislesic. or whatever. and chilled in teh field for a bit. idk, i was just so happy to be around him again, i had been missing him so much. it was truly so wonderful to be in his arms again. so i went home with jay, and mike went home with corey, and we stayed up til 4am talking to them on the phone/ texting them. and those two stayed up alllllll night pretty much. and me and jay we're fucking with they're heads cause they sounded soooo high, when supposally they weren't. l0l. oh, and mike asked jay out that night. <3
saturday; we all got up, talked. and went to edison, me jay, mike & corey<3 we all walked around the mall for hours, and me and corey chillled in this dresssing room, lol. then finally decided to walk to the park, allen park to be exact. and the gulf coarse. we chilled at both of those places. at the park me and corey even got escourted out of the little kids park by a cop. l0l. and like we were laying under this tree in the grass on the gulf coarse. which was real nice. then we bought corey a new bowl, and we were just walking around enjoying eachothers company, kissing, hugging and talking. oh, and i found corey's weakness, l0l. like now i know what turns him onnnn. ha. <3 it's soooo simple too. ;) and yeah, we had such a good time. i'm soooo comfortable around him it's crazy. and he was saying the sweetest things to me. and like now, i can see the love he has for me in his eyes. which is an incredible sight.
and sunnnnday; was at my dad's chillled with ariel. it was alright, and now, i'm waiting to sneak out and go eat some f00d with ivaaaan.
that's if he ever calls me back, ha. we'll seeeeee.
so yeah, over alll my weekend has been pretty fucking amazing.<3
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March 10th, 2009
09:13 pm
you put me on the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life, i wonder how many times i'm going to say that 'til this ride is all over with.
gosh, you almost dumped me over the stupidest thing ever, a fucking dare. ugh. baby, thank god you didn't. i would have been more of a wreck than i already am. we were both crying. expessially me. baby, that really hurt. you really don't understand what i've been going threw lately. you haven't even been around to know. and now you have absoluty no trust for me. which really sucks. and you say "but if you do anything that pisses me off. if ccoleman or sam or anyone flirts with you and you don't try to stop it, were over. & that alone is somewhat a challenege. i cant control people flirting with me. :/
& hahaha, now that you take your shower your all like "i forgive you completely blah blah blah, next time we see eachother, you gotta do whatever i want."
ugh, i hate this kid.
it feels like he's fucking using me.
ugh, i hate this so much,
FUCK MY LiFE.
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March 9th, 2009
05:25 pm
tooooday pretty much blowed.
everyone was mad at me.
i don't know who is going around telling people i talk shit, 'cause i don't.
and this whoole making denae cry. yeah, that wasn't exactly my fault.
to straighten everything up, me and conner didn't do anything.
& conner didn't do anything with any girlz.
so stop the rumors, and no i didn't start those.
i wouldn't ever do that.
like the only real good part about my day was probally talking to ivan the whole bus ride
home since casey took my seat with keaton, i'm actually glad she did, =)
ivan put me in a good mood, for that time being.
oh, and seeing alex bautista get panted was pretty funny too.
his boxers came down and everything and you could see his junk. l0l.
it was so fucking funny, =)
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March 8th, 2009
10:53 pm
i really think i'm done with drugs.
like seriously. i'm done.
atleast i hope so.
i want to be.
i'm so over the not being able to remember my nights.
yeah, it only took two times for me to relize that.
i never should have done bars.
i do all this shit, and i don't remember a second of it.
i rely on people those nights.
i cant walk, and i stuff my face. ugh.
i feel so dumb.
i want to stop. i might even keep up the whole no smoking shit.
it's hard, i have so much going on at home, well with my father.
ugh, i need to not smoke for soccer playoffs & track season.
whatever all i know is i'm done with bars. they fuck me up so much, way to much.
but weed, idk it doesn't really help anything. just is fun. makes things funny.
idk, but i might stop 'em all atleast 'til the summer.
ha, i wanna try many other things but i'm wait to try all those.
l0oO0oO0ol.
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01:30 am
wensday night was on of the worst nights ever. i've had worst, but that was THE last straw.
but last night, i don't remember much. but i doubt there was much to remember.
and today was wonderful. ha, i'm a bitch. i love it, for once.
but righ this second, i feel like THE biggest bitch ever. like, i know i have no control over this. but whatever, i'm in for a bitchin'. i can predict it. :/ whateva' though. fuuuuck it.
but wow, lately i've felt like no guy likes me. like i know i have corey. but for almost two weeks, it been worst than a long distance relationship. like in thse atleast you can talk, we can't. & i can't see him. he;s supposed to be getting ungrounded next weekend. but he's still on restriction from BT, ugh. so i'd have to go to edison. :/ ugh, i love corey. but no comunication and so temptation. i know i love corey, but without him around there's nothing to enforce it. and it makes me wanna have feelings for other people as if i was single. and it's fucking starting to work, but thank god, they have a girlfriend, so nothign will happen. i just gotta wait for corey, like even if i told a guy i liked 'em, they wouldn't care. no one wants me. i don't know what it is, but like when i'm with jay. they all would rather flirt with her. or they like her, when she'd never in a million years be with them, and i'd actually give 'em a chance if i liked 'em. idk, i've always felt my bestfriend is prettier than me, every bestfriend i've had, other than logna cause he's a guy, he don't count. but other than that, all my bestfriends are prettier, all the boys go after her than me. expessalily now that i dont show off my boobs anymore. ugh, iit makes me feel so ugly. i know i'm not ugly. but i know they're are so many prettier people out there. ugh, i just wish me and corey could be together with out all this bullshit. hopefully we'll pull threw and become stronger. 'cause all other guys only want me to hook up, lik hand jobs, head, or sex. or at the least to kiss. if i'm single. i'm up for all the kissing, that's whatever. but the rest is bulllll. i am not a whore. i know i've made mistakes, quite alot. it's part of growing up. so chill.oh, nd the worst part is most guy wouldn;t even date me to get in my pants. if they can't being single, they'd give up. they wouldn't even put the effort into being with me. ugh. i guess i just need to get over that. i love corey, i love corey, i love corey. i need to keep that in my mind, always. & hope for the best between me and that boy.
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March 2nd, 2009
06:22 pm
rachel blasi got arrested for beating up chelsey.
l00000l.
and her mom left me a voicemail telling me to delete the youtube video.
hahaha, whateva'.
buuuuuut, today was guuuuuud. 'cept denae was getting mad at me, and put restrictions on me seeing conner. whatever, i'll deal.
no practice tomarrrrow, just our game thursday. debarr is to busy for us. gay huhhhhh?
going out to dinner with the family. :/ uggggh.
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March 1st, 2009
07:53 pm - :/
it's our two month & i haven't gotten to say a word to you. i know your grounded from your cell, the computer, and your home phone. plus, your not alloud to leave the house. but it sucks, and to bad it's a sunday. since your mom doesn;t work sundays. otherwise i would be able to talk to you. ugh, i hate your mom. & i miss you so much baby. you get ungrounded in two weeks, i CAN'T wait.
i probally won't see you 'til then & already haven't seen you in two weeks. ugh, it'll be a month without us seeing eachother, and by the time we do, we'll only be dating for 2 and a half months. real horrible huh? i think so. whatever, i put up with it, & you. only cause i love you. <3
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February 28th, 2009
12:01 pm
last night was grrrreat.
me & jay had a great time at the fair.
we kinda went from group tah group chlling with them tah being just us.
sid, rachel, rachel, & toni were there. so we chillled with them all a bit.
omg, the ride of the night; the second time i went on zipper, with toni.
we had him spin us before he started. OMG, that was a trip. ha.
i got soooooooooooooo dizzy.
oh, and i bought a airburshed jacket.
& jay got this sweeet spray painted picture.
so yup, it was alottta fun. <3
we're so exhausted though, :/
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February 24th, 2009
10:27 pm - & tonight, i just wanna cry.
lost our game, real disappiontment. guys lost too, so i don't feel S0 horrible.
but i haven't talked to corey all day. and all this is reallly jank is really starting to break my heart, i deffinatly thought i loved him. now, that we said i love you, he acts like he doesn't care. he doesn't call me, he didn't answer any of my calls tonight. it's like he doesnt wanna talk to me. it feels like he just wants me to dump him. it really does feel like that, so much. if so i guess i give to many chances. ugh, i want to make me & him work so badly. like i'm willing to stay with him til he's ungrounded, then go from there. we're almost to our two month, i wanna make it there & past it. by allllllot. but if he doesn't start acting like he cares, and proving me he wants to be with me, we're over. D0NE. i really can't handle this bullshit. i starting to wanna be on a break 'til he's ungrounded. but a real break, one where we actually get back together. ugh, i don't even know anymore. i just wish i could talk to him. i'm not asking alot outta him. i just want him to care. like maybe him to call me, every once in a while. like all i need is us to talk every night, for a goood amount of time, and to see him when we can. THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING. but i guess, it's to much to just talk to me every night, obvoiusly you couldn't even answer the phone tonight. thanks! ugh, you make me so upset. i really don't know what to do with you, should i end it? or should i try and make it work? like seriously. i wanna talk to you about everything. but you won't talk to me. if you don't talk to me tomarrow. i really won't know what to do. i guess it'll be over? i REALLY don't want that, but it feels like my only opption right now. since you wont talk to me. UGH, seriously why do you have to make things so fucking difficult. if you wanna end it, end it. i'll move on. i'll be fine. i'll be hurt, but i heal fast. so corey, if you wanna end it, do it. i dont want us to be over, i love you. but i'll accept whatever you want. corey, please just make an effort for once. pwease baaaaaby? ugh. shoooooooot meeeeeee.
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February 23rd, 2009
10:48 pm
i'm finaaally outta my rut, i don;t know how i got out of it, why i did, how or why i got into it.
i think it had something to do with my _________.
ew, but whatever. corey was being a littler nicer today, maybe it was just cause i was in a good mood.
and hopefully this or next friday i'll be hitting up the fair, <3
yay, but corey can't go. =( which is really, so depressing.
second soccer game tomarrow, yay. three oaks will be our biggest competitor.
it'll be a tight, and hopefully a good clean game.
plus, i hope we get a win, we need it, <3
i really have a good feeling this year we'll take it allll!
but these two games will kind of blow.
i know i'll have major cramps. :( but whatever, i can deal.
plus, ima work on gettting my 2nd yellow card.
as long as it's in the last five minutes. =)
ha, i love debarr for enforcing that, that's probally the only thing i like about him.
l000000l.
niiiiiight, i need rest for that game.
btw, i think ima stay for the boys gameeee.
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February 22nd, 2009
11:20 am - & two more terrible days on top of that.
yuuuup, yeasterday. i even saw corey, it was great. but ended horribleally. i still feel horrible. like his brother made him stay. and that pissed me off so i took it out on corey. :/ i was like "whatever, i hate you, bye." and just stormed off. i shoulda just said bye, i love you. kissed him and everything and walked back, secertly caring. but i never shoulda took the actions, i did. ugh, i think i made him cry and everything, so i felt like competle shit. i called him when i got home, we talked for like an hour. i tried to appoligize, he wouldn't accept it. and then he had to go 'cause the phone was gunna die. so he said he'd call me back in a half hour, and never did. :/
& today, corey hasn't called me. which is always a day sign. he always calls me in the morning when he gets up. and if not i call him when i get up. and i did. no answer. then i called three hours later. hoping he'd answer. but nooooope. i have a feeeling his brother told his mom he saw me. and now he's not alloud to use the home phone. or not alloud to talk to me, or something. ugh. i don't even know. his mom did say "next time you mess up with her, your not gunna be alloud to see her or talk to her." fuck, i'm so scared. i've put so much into mine and his relationship. i really don't want it to end 'cause of his bitch of a mom. idk. :/ i feel like shit.
i've been in a down for like five days now. & i really don't know what to do. no one can seem to bring me out of it. it's like no one cares anymore. i really hate it. i just wanna go away. and on top of all this, the past week, from last sunday til today, i was supposed to be virginia, skiing with the family. but noooooo. it got canceled. ugh, i hate that bulllshit. i just want to leave dreaded fort myers. or something, idk. or like find someone who actually cares, who can realte to me, and is good with words. unlike everyone else i know. corey & jay, suck with words. while me on the other hand am wonderful with them, and i'm supposed to rely on them, when they can't even pull me out of this rut, they just add shit too it. grrrrrreat.
FUCK MY LiFE.
well, today i'm going out on the boat. just the family i guess. and joni brad and theyre daughter reese, who's charlie's age.
hopefully ariel can go so i'm not bored to death, maybe she can pull me outta this rut. ugggggh.
Current Mood: bummed beyond belief.
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February 20th, 2009
11:40 pm - wth?
i had another terrible day, again. i feel like no one cares about me anymore. everyone has been treating me like shit lately. it feels like everyone is out to get me. why is the question. & everyone like tries to make me mad. 'cause everyone knows it's super easy. like i felt so bipolar today. one minute, i'd be happy and laughing. the next, i'd be screaming at someone & pissed off beyond belief. do they do it for laughs and giggles? it really feels like it, ugh. and corey, my fucking boyfriend won't even cheer me up. yeah, thats hurts. he won't even try when i call him at BT to ask him too. and my bestfriend was to busy flirting to even notice or care that i was in a horrible m00d. does anyone care about me anymore? it really feels like they don't. am i invisible? worthless? unimportant? i really don't get it. someone please clearify? like the only time i was even okay was at the pep rally. when i was leaning against casey, legs over ivan and bryan. us all laying there. if it was a tad bit quieter, i woulda been able to sleep. & that woulda been lovely. <3 ugh, idk, i felt like crying all day, just bursting into tears, no specifc reason at all. ugh, i just wanna be happpy. and i haven't been all of the school weak. everyone has to start shit, talk behind my back, and just piss me off and make me feel like shit. ugh, i wish someone cared enother to let me bitch and complain to them, cause corey obviously doesn't care. i really feel like he's losing intrest in me. i don't know why. but i do. maybe lack of seeing eachother? no texting constantly. only talking on the home phone, while he's home, and when he can & wants to talk. ugh, i'm deffinatly having a break down.
some one please care for me, for once? ugh, i hate this. i wanna cry, but can't. i want to be happy but can't. what the fuck is wrong with me?' i'm having the most horrible m00d swings i've had in my entire life. ugh, kill me now. yup, that's the m00d i'm in. =( fuuuuuuuck everything!
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February 19th, 2009
07:23 pm - wow,
i seriously hate everyone.
like everyone is making such a big deal outtta trying bars.
everyone is bitchin' & complaining 'bout it.
& brittnay was pissing me off S0 much at soccer.
i seriously had to bite my tounge.
otherwise, i woulda flipped out & punched her.
urg, she thinks she knows everyhthing.
& gets pissed off when she gets corrected.
but she constantly nags & shit talks everyone else.
and she's not even that great. like in practice she never even tries.
and i actually try in practice and games.
like we kept kicking it "too far" today, and ruby & brittz were bitching 'cause they didnt wanna run after it.
and if i would kicked a ball like that from the goal box to across the center line in a game everyine woulda been estatic.
and i was called a "stubborn bitch" cause i didnt wanna go get the ball i kicked.
ha, we were playing 9 on four, and the offense were still losing to us. <333333333333
but whatever, i think corey was just forced to hang up on me. :/
ugh, i don't even know 'cause my mom was yelling at me & i couldn't listen.
ugh, i hate his mom.
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February 16th, 2009
10:12 pm
today didnt go exactly as planned. no barz, even though we had $40. but we had lots of fun wih woody. ha, i love that kid. me him & jay. yup, we had a good time. dante s well, yup. even though things are kinda of ackward when were around eacother. so i try to keep a distance on some sort. i don't really know why. i just feel i need one. plus, i don't want to flirt of even think about wanting to flirt with him. i love corey. and corey only. now that we're on that subject, i miss him. i haven't talked to him all day. no phone for him to call me off of. wheich blows ballz. ugh, i miss him. well, everything is good. 'cept denae is fucking pissed at me. all she could do is bitch and judge me, i hated it. even though i tried no to care, i really do. but i want to be able to do as i please without her getting mad 24/7. i stopped smoking for her & even turned it down today. which, i guess i shouldn't have. since your mad no matter what. ugh, and my dad, well, he's a dick & was bitching at me for not letting him. yuh, and made me cry. twice today, thanks dad. so much for you wanting to work things out with me. oh, and i was just texting corey, and he was being a dick, ugh. i don't know. but i worry so muc about mine & his relationship. like when i saw i had a text from him, i had an instant smile. but then he's all like "fuck you" and calls me a bitch. yup, i got a lovely boyfriend. <3 well, i miss him. an idk, this weekend has been pretty great. i got to spend some great quality time wit the wife. which we really needed, ha. plus our great adventure on friday. and bahahagahaha, last night us skinny dipping, in my hot tub. yup, and dancing around to music. yup, my mom now thinks were lesbian. lovely huh? even though we are both deffinatly straight. ha, whatever. today was good, i wanted my candybarz so bad though, :/ well, i guess i'll get 'em friday. <3 yay, but i'm not sure we should do them with everyone there. and i couldn't walk, so i need someone to help me. and i guess i found out what happened t my chocolates. i droped 'em all ovre target and i was being very slow & speaking so slowly about how i droped them & about picking them up. l0l. <3 oh, and i'm kind of worried abut me and jay getting too into barz. i don't wanna get adicted or OD on them, :/ well, i'm done. my update is over.
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February 15th, 2009
10:58 pm - the weeekend;
friday; tried barz fir the first time.
& don't remember half my night<3
saturday; jay's house.
went tah te beach for an hour.
sunday; went to sid's house.
i got to see corey baby.
& we has 'our valentine's day.' ;)
&&& we said 'i love you' for the first time. <333333333333
tomarrow, or monday;
hittting up coco.
& hitting up those candybarz again.
tuesday, make plans?
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February 12th, 2009
10:50 pm
i had the besssssssst day!
the 6-0 win for lady lyxn, yup we owned.
complete shuuuuut out. <3
& while i was in the car heading home;
mr. martin callled me.<33333333
i was so happy to talk to him.
even though it was for not to long.
whatever, i'm probally go see him saturday.
i hope so atleast.
welll, today was great compared to last night's completel meltdown-cry fest.
i don't even know what came over me, but it was horrible.
non stop crying. well, can't wait 'til tomarrow night.
me & jay will be having fuuuuuuun. <3
10 of dem bitchs, whaaaaaaaat?!!?!?!?!
ha,
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February 10th, 2009
07:35 pm
corey martin, you take me on the biggest emotional rollercoaster, in my entire life.
like you really have no idea what you do to me.
one second i'll have the biggest smile on my face, constantly laughing.
the next, i'll be so mad, that i wanna punch & break things.
then, you get me to the point i wanna die.
or just cry myslef to sleeeep, or cry & cry and cry. :(
but for some reason, i'm still crazy about you.
like i reallly do like you, so much.
& even though we're going threw another HUGE bump in our relationship.
i know we'll pull threw, we always do.
& i know your mom hates me, 100000000000000000000 times more.
and she doesnt want you calling or texting me.
& she wants you to dump me & date a "nice girl."
& how she thinks i'm such a whore.
oh, and on top of alll that; my dad comes over.
starts shit with my mom. and pushes the tv off the dresser.
breaks it, and leaves. yup, i hate him. he is THE worst.
i really don't wanna go to his place tomarrrow.
i refuse, ugh, i hate him so god damn much,
=(
Current Mood: miserable.
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February 9th, 2009
08:40 pm
i love how everytime we're on he phone, this happens.
you make me so mad, i wanna like break shit. <3
thanks, baby. i reallly appreiate it. ;)
you make me feel like worthless shit.
& it makes me feel like every other girl the world is more important than me.
& then, we always make up.
& you make me get to the point i can't stop smiling.
i love when you make me feel this way.
corey martin, you really mean the world to me.
& i'm falling in love with you, so deeply.
why can't we just not fiiiight?
:/
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February 8th, 2009
03:03 pm
i'm deffinatly falling in love with corey richard peter rabbit martin<3
& i'm happier than i've been in months. =)
yeah, i can't wait 'til valentine's day, this weekend.
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February 1st, 2009
11:36 am
wooooooow, it's our one month, and i've gotten one "goodmorning" text at 7:50. and you haven't talked to me since. i hate when you do this. we ere supposed to go to coco today. but you wont talk to me, so i guess not. and this isnt the first time this has happened, thanks.<3
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/white/angry.gif) & annnoyed & upset.
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January 31st, 2009
07:20 pm
friday night, i saw my baby,<3 yayayayayay! i as so happy. we had a great time. well i know i did, ha. and rachel & katie's fight didnt happen, cops showed up. :( then when i got home. i got like fliped out on by my dad. it sucked, i spent alllllll night crying.
oh, and i played in the sno today<3
ha, me & karl had a snow ball fight.
yay.
& hopefully tomarrow coco with my baaaaaby<3
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January 29th, 2009
10:37 pm - i still can't get over;
how my father choose beer over us. it still kills me inside. i still cry over it.
it's been about six months. & i still can't get over it. i don't think i ever will.
it feels like i'm not his daugther. he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't even care, anymore.
that alcohl has changed who he is, how he thinks. everything. he's not the guy i grew up knowing.
that hurts, that's reallllly scary as well. i don't want to ever be an acholic, nor do i want a husband who is one.
that just won't work for me, i don't want to go through what my mom is. and i don't want my children going through what i am.
i get to see corey tomarrrrrrrow<3
it's been two weeks, minus monday.
but that was only for two hours, walking around schools.
but i can't wait to see him, i miss him alot.
we either see uninvited or me and him will go xhil while everyone else goes and sees that,
i kind of want some serious alone time with him,
i want to talk with him, open up to him.
and i want him to open up too me.
i want us to get closr to loving eachother.
btw, sunday is our one month, <3 <3
yay, & i can't wait 'til valentine's day.
oh, and i found out i don't get to go to virginia.
my dumb grandfather anceled it.
but soccer team gets posted tomarrrrow<3
i'll be on it, no doubt about that. =)
ha, i know, i know. i'm a cocky mutha' fucka'. ;)
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January 26th, 2009
10:38 pm
i still can't 100% choose between cypress and fort myers.
i like both schools. and i've been leaning more on the cypress side for so long now.
but, idk fort myers would be great for my future. but cypress i can try so many more things.
wel, i'll choose by this weekend. :/
ugh, now me and corey are fighting.
fuck my life.
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January 25th, 2009
10:00 pm
this song gets me everytime.
like i relate to so well.
i love there's a song that shows how i feel.
but i hate it, i hate that i went/go threw this.
& i hate that other people have/do.
like everytime i hear it, i want to cry.
but it also maes me feel empowered.
like to know i've gone threw it, and i'm okay.
i don't even know anymore.
i want them together.
but i want them not together even more.
he's a diiiiick, bt she can be such a bitch.
he's a drunk & he's unreliable.
she's shady and snapppy.
ugh, i want us to all move out.
i want him to have his own house.
and use to have our own.
like now!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/white/apathetic.gif) blah
Current Music: family portrait -pink.
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10:09 am
i get worked up over the littest things. like last night, i was so worried about how corey's flirting with other girls. it worried me & hurt me. like i saw the message, he wa calling her cute & beautiful. and saying how he'd probally be allowd to go to belltower to see her, when he wants allowd to go and see me. and about how they had crushes on eachother in second grade, and like how she was trying to skip with him and shit. oh, and they wereign othephone for a few hours. and he ws using lots of <3s and ;)s. and she even reminded him he had a girlfriend. ugh, it just hurt really bad. and he doesn't remember any of that, and says he does't flirt. but i saw it. :/ een though i shuldn't have seen it, i did. i shouldn't have snooped. i gess when you snoop for something. your more than likely to find it. so i'm done snooping, thats fer sure. but i tallked to him, and it's all gooood. thank god, cause the last thng i want is to lose this kid. i'm becoming soattached to him, it still kind of scares me. he says he's falling for me, and i think i'm starting to aswell. well,he'sgreat for me. like he's everything i want & need. just we don't see eachother enough. :/ well, i'll see him next friday. yeah, that's still some what blows. atleast he has his phone back. even though it gets taken away alllll the time. whatever, i can deal with it. he's worth it<3
oh, and i'm trying to plan something really cute for valentine's day cause that will be my last day before i go to virginia, for a week. where my phone doesn't work. so i'll deff be using brooke's phone quite alot. but yeah, i'm worried about me goig away for that long without talking constantly. but back to the valentine's thing. i want to do something really cute. i'm already planning his present. but u think there should be more... but i don't wanna do to much, and him not do like anything. ugh. i hate presents and jank. i never know what to get boys. they're so hard to shop for. :/
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January 24th, 2009
10:42 am
well last night was great. i had been missing belltower. corey couldn't go, unfortunaly. but i'll see him next friday. <3
but last night, me& jay showed up. i went to BK with rachel, rachel, mike & micha. we chilled there for like an hour & ate. then went back to belltower, and rachel fough katie anderson, well more like beat her assss. it was beautiful. then we went over to the field and smoked it up, it was me, rachel, micha, cassalina & cassie. then i meet up with casey, ashton, joey cameron. and we walked around then i went back to jaylynne & all them and chilled. i had a wonderful night<3 <3 <3
i miss corey so much though, he's like the perfect boyfriend. he's so sweet and just like amazing to me. his hugs &kisses are so great, and like every kiss gives me butterflies. idk, i just love being around him. and i like him so much. ugh, i miss him. :( and i have to wait 'til friday to see him. urrrrg.
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